The Homeless Chronicles

Living in Los Angeles you encounter your fair share of homeless personalities. Some fill you with sorrow while others ignite nothing but bewilderment through your bones. In recent weeks I’ve had some of my favorite encounters and must share their eccentricities. Let me preface this with it’s all coming from a girl who finds Little Edie to be her fashion icon and solitary hero.

The Joker

I was leaving Michael Levine’s fabric store last week when a tall man approached me with a lot of soul. “I’ll make you laugh for a little dough.” I’m tough to make laugh. If you have heard me say, “That’s so funny.” I really don’t think it’s funny and I’m simply attempting to appease you with my lack of direct enthusiasm. So, I thought that if he were to succeed then he truly worked for any cash flow I could offer him. I accepted his request and there we were, walking together as one liner after one liner was delivered with confidence and perfect timing. There was even an O.J. Simpson joke that when I heard the opening line, I quickly deduced that it was first of all dated, and second of all, that I had heard it before. Nope! It had me laughing hard at its boldness and shames me that I cannot remember the joke verbatim to share with you here. So, as a good businessperson should, I paid heed to our verbal contract and handed the man a few dollars. Sadly, those few dollars are more than most performers get paid during an entire theatrical run.

The Picky Eater

The Trader Joe’s on Hyperion has its staple homeless man. He sits against the wall, sometimes with shoes kicked off and a cup ready to receive change. One time I passed by the man four times in quick succession (I forgot my bag in the car, etc.) and every time I passed he said, “Change?” As if in the span of a few seconds money would somehow materialize in my hand that wasn’t there before. Well, Trader Joe’s has a banana problem. Sometimes they don’t ripen. When I brought back my pathetic and dried out bundle they sent me home with twelve! The other six were to make up for a previous batch. What can one single lady do with twelve bananas? Give them away of course! I walked out of T.J.’S and looked forward to my day of charity. I walked up, wanting to ask first because he may be allergic (like my Mama) and he replied, “No, not this morning.” Well how about this afternoon? And there I went with my twelve bananas and a good deed gone undone. A few weeks later I witnessed the same thing happen to another woman. The woman went to the man, “Would you like a banana?” And the Picky Eater responds, “No, not this morning.” I immediately started laughing and felt the need to commune with this kind woman about the same experience I had with this barefooted hungry, but not that hungry, man that has permanently planted himself outside our neighborhood grocer! But I didn’t. Instead, I went home to try a little bit of everything that I had in my shopping bag.

The Starlet

I was on my way to teaching my preschool yoga class when bam! I was hit with the image of this gorgeous platinum blond woman (well it was more white than blond) who was sitting barefoot near a bus stop. Her hair was full with volume and large curls. She was like a 1940’s starlet. But homeless. She sat there with her hand mirror; legs crossed, and finished perfecting a brilliant smoky eyed look that added drama to her ruggedly aging face. The image of her there is still is so striking to me. I saw her one more time on my way to the same class, getting ready for her day in the same fashion and wished I had had the time to possibly sit and have a conversation. Figure out her name, maybe how she got to wear she was and what possesses her to keep applying such a dramatic amount of make up when she doesn’t have enough food to eat. I fantasize that maybe she’s like the film version of Miss Havisham played by Anne Bancroft in “Great Expectations.” An old eccentric spinster who is out to ruin the romantic lives of the young! But, everyone isn’t a Charles Dickens novel so I’ll continue to pretend. And from one heavy eye make up wearing woman to another, I appreciate that what is important to her, a woman with a very low cosmetic budget, is to continue to look ridiculously fabulous when the odds are against you.